My Dearest A$$hole Friends

Since Shark week has ended I can finally say something about my Asshole Friends and not feel like I’m being hormonal and bitchy. Now, I KNOW, what I’m feeling actually pisses me off and it’s not the ripping of my uterus clouding my judgment.


Hey you, yeah, YOU.


Thank you for NOT inviting me to the party you’re throwing to celebrate your anniversary. I really do rather enjoy being your babysitter than being invited to hang out and have fun. For the fifth year in a row. Yes, my marriage did fall apart, no it doesn’t mean I’m now an old lady who hoards cats or porcelain dolls. The fact that you wait until AFTER I’ve agreed to babysit tells me you know, really know, how much I would rather hang out than babysit. You’re an asshole. Thankfully you’re not the only asshole friend I have.


Now onto you, my asshole user friend. Yep, I’m talking to you now.


I just want to send you a shout out for using my car anytime you needed it and leaving me with an empty gas tank. I really enjoy having to buy toilet paper that allows me to get in touch with my inner self. I’d much rather spend “extra” money on gasoline than shit tickets any day! Thank you for allowing me to really get to know my own asshole up close and personal like. You’re an asshole too, by the way.


Now we’re going to move onto the asshole friend who borrows groceries over and over, yet never manages to repay the favor.


Hey there, asshole friend! It’s been real. Real annoying. Sure, you can “borrow” some coffee creamer AGAIN. No, I don’t mind if you never pay me back. Sure, I’d love to buy you dinner because you forgot to grab something while you were out, again. I don’t mind Ramen Noodles for dinner at all. You’re an asshole too, but a bit of a bigger asshole than the rest.


Do you ever just wake up and realize you’re a doormat for all of the incredibly needy people you’re surrounded by? I did. It’s not a nice feeling. Maybe, just maybe, I’m the asshole for letting this shit continue for as long as it has. Then again, I’m not the one using people for every tiny thing I can.
My dear sweet asshole friends, it’s far past time to cut the umbilical cord. I’m only 27 and already feel like I have grandchildren who need me to support them. Spread your butt cheeks and fly free! Don’t be afraid, cheap shit tickets really aren’t that bad.